for a friend of mine ^^

i am sorry it is late, and i was unable to take it near the city , there is a lot of construction going on , and i am too busy to go there at this time, i hope this helps ^^

C H A O S

it was nice knowing all of you /:

i think this is it .

i feel so used it's not even funny,

i feel like he took everything, my whole life this past year or so , and for what ?

I'M the one who kept hanging on, I'M the one who frickin bawled their eyes out like some little girl almost every night, wondering if he'd stay or not. 

i hate myself for depending on him so much . 

he probably never even thought of me as a friend. something less then that most likely. just someone to write to, or talk to when things weren't looking so good (AKA the HOSPITAL ) and left me when things went back to normal. I went through more depression knowing HIM then ever in all my fucking life. 

I sent him a note (after not hearing from him in like.....6 months) and guess what he does ?

he VIEWS it , like he 'sees it', but NEVER REPLIES. i found that out, YESTERDAY. I sent the message almost 2 months ago.

WHAT. THE . FUCKING . HELL . 

does he like watching me fall apart ?

i almost starting crying at school i felt so low .

i feel like a desperate girl who will do anything to have a guy look at her and smile.

only difference was i was never romantic with this guy ,

but he meant a lot to me.

and it's nice to know that i meant nothing to him .

i wasn't worth his time.

i was nothing to him .

...

that's what hurts the most . 

again im writing when im like massively depressed ...

actually i forgot this blog existed....AGAIN ~ 

i haven't been using it for the reasons i was using it for before, so i kinda forgot my password, then it's full existence . 

i told my friend about HIM , and they confessed to me on the spot . 

gawd .

what do i do . 

i know i say people confess to me a lot, and yes it happens but...

it hurts every time. people show on TV that people shrug it off and whatnot...

no. 

you can't . 

it's hard, watching someone melt into your hands and basically say "here, have me . im all yours' and have to smile and try to be nice . 

you know you're tearing them apart .

im sorry i can't get HIM out of my head . i feel like it's just another sob story of mine , but it hurts like hell .

i thought he was someone who would never leave . 

he even said he wanted to know me for a long time. 

what does that mean now ?

nothing ?

where did that go ?

i wish i could say i hate him .

or that im mad .

but all in all ...

i blame myself .

and i can't tell anyone. 

i never told anyone i was writing to him, or even knew who he was . i never told them why i felt like dying those times where he'd disappear for about 3-4 months at a time and not tell me where or what he was doing, or if he was even alive . 

i kept it to myself , and by doing so, hurt myself .

i honestly thought he had killed himself .

truly .

when he never wrote back and he was never online, and never answered my calls i thought for sure . it had been so long , and he was almost nonexistent. 

i haven't cried so much in all my life .

i used to stay up at night and just think of him being alive, and try to tell myself that it wasn't true that he was dead .

then he sees my message and i felt like crying and laughing at the same time.

i was so happy he was alive...

but it hurt to know he had just been ignoring me all this time .

did he just....

not like me at all in any way ?

i used to think i meant something to him ...

like "yea im special, he can talk to me. and no one else ... he can turn to me whenever he needs to ~"

nope .

apparently i was a nobody and nothing but a waste of time .

i feel like living shit . 

i wish he knew how much time, sweat, tears, and blood i spent on him . 

i would go weeks without sleep thinking, praying, and hoping for him .

i used to cry about all the crap he went through and waiting for a response .

i spent all my time on the computer at all times to see if he was online to talk to him . 

i loved talking to him ..

but i felt like a pest after a while ..

his messages became shorter and he seemed less interested .

im the most boring person alive .

and stupid .

to think he'd ever EVER want to talk to me right ?

he probably only talked to me because i saw one of his pieces right ?

and it was ME ya know ~ the desperate one, who tried to make a big deal out of it .

i feel like i spent so much on him, yet he doesn't give a fuck .

yea .

I LIVE ACROSS THE FUCKING OCEAN , IT DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T EXIST .

don't write me off , im not dead .

and YOU AREN'T EITHER .

so stop acting as if you're too cool .

if you really hate me , or never wanted to talk to me, just send me like a one sentence message SAYING SO . 

you're leaving me in the dark and im so scared and hurt and upset and falling apart. 

i don't want you to ever feel pain again , but gawd .... you know how to make someone else feel like a corpse. 

i only wish you saw that .

i know i mean nothing to you .

i know you're not even reading this .

because you NEVER DO .

but let's just pretend you are though . 

truth is ...

i mis you like crazy , but in a way .... i hope you never write back .

that's awful but ..

i can't handle this . 

it's too much .

and i love you . i always meant to say that , but i was scared you'd see it as "that" kinda of love when really you just meant so much to me you have a special place in my heart .

and you'll never know that . 

i know i was selfish and complained to you when i shouldn't have 

but...

im still human 

and so are you .

i at least apologizing over and over 

while you ignore me .

i don't know why i bother with you .

i get so hurt by you ,

but the second you write to me i forget it all .

i hate it .

your using me even when you don't see it .

i feel like a puppet .

so i don't care if you never write back . as long as i know your alive im ok . 

don't write me again .

don't try to say hi 

don't ever show me any sort of affection because 

you're tearing me apart . 

i can't take it anymore . 

im done .

if you ever want to know me again , 

or talk to me , 

or every be in that ' friends for a long long time' relationship like you said ,

.... you should've never left and you shouldn't told me a long time ago .

im sorry . you missed your cue .

your done . 

curtains have fallen, your times up.

im not waiting anymore .

looks like you lost another 'friend' because you made the mistake of your life and lost someone who meant NOTHING to you but someone who would've give you their LIFE at any given moment .

im sorry you took me for granted when i was suffering so much just to keep you at least a little bit happy . 

and i even failed at that .

so i guess you'll miss nothing of me .

and im sorry to say that .

because i'll tell everyone i know about you know ...

and they'll know who you are . 

i hope your happy .

honestly, i really hope you are .

because you've broken the heart of someone who's just a shell of a human being . 

thanks to you im now more sick and depressed then ever . 

i hope you never ever remember me , because i meant so little to you . 

i hope you never speak my name .

or think of my face .

or what i used to say .

FORGET ME .

because it would kill me to know you still thought of me while ignoring me

and watching me burn .

i hope you are sooo....

so....

.........happy.