well , currently...
I am dating someone . Someone i would never in a million years imagine myself with, but somehow the stars alined ya know and ..poof.
I am working at a bakery - and also the greenhouse. Kohl's is on hold for now.
My ex keeps contacting me / showing up . Well....i guess i shouldn't call him my ex, since the amount of time we spent dating was....so short lived you could call it a trial run of a relationship.
But nonetheless
he wants to have a "party" with me, Ben, and him . And im so scared . I know what his parties consist of . Alcohol and getting baked. And whatever happens after that is on some stupid camera they have. And they watch it the next day and think its hilarious.
I knew Ben and him for a long time. I knew Ben before he even knew what drugs were. It's really heart breaking to see him throw away his life like this. He had a lot of potential and talent.
My ex has always been addicted, long before i even met him. But the fact of him dragging some innocent kid down (and even me for a bit) and destroying their future along with his own is pretty pitiful .
Um. apparently I have to be "happy" all the time. I shouldn't complain. But i am. My sister was in an accident, and no on gave a fuck. which really hurt. They all said the same thing "I'm sorry to hear that" and moved on as if it never happened.
People are so stupid and have no hearts.
I guess what really pissed me off was the fact of my girl right now hasn't been exactly stable. And she doesn't know how to react or say or anything in any sort of situation really. Which is fine to some extent but...
damn . it really sucks having to always be there for someone who you can't depend on for anything.
I know that sounds harsh, and i don't mean it to. But the last like 3 months have consisted of me hanging by my fingernails and her just sitting there saying she's sorry. I can't say how i really feel or vent or rant because she "doesn't like swearing" or "doesn't cope well with yelling" . I understand, she's sensitive to that, and that's fine. I know i have my dad's genes and when I lose my temper I become something really awful. I say a lot of things I shouldn't and even hit. I know. It's wrong . I'm the bad guy . Shun me . I get it .
I can't help it tho. My hearts' all twisted up and i feel like crying every couple minutes. But the littlest thing sets me off and I get so mad. I shouldn't get mad at her, I know that's stupid. Out of anybody she deserves the opposite treatment. I guess it's because she's the closest person to me right now that I feel like I should come to her with anything. And have it be ok.
I keep forgetting all the things i can't come to her with.
I feel like I'm losing her all at the same time. Like, she's bored of me. She probably is. I'm a perpetual mess.
I almost wish I had met her like a year or so from now. I met her right after I got out of that massive depression pit I was in for over a year. She still doesn't know I tried to kill myself not even a month before I met her . I've even really thought about it while knowing her, just feel like I shouldn't say anything . I've had bad nights, but she doesn't know I planned it out even at one point. For a few weeks I was planning it.
I've tried things, to get closer to her. But she has this huge wall . And I can't get her to break it down for me. She won't let me in, even though she says she already has. She'll get defensive and put up her shield and I can only stand there.
I've tried things . Like I made a promise with her, a few actually . And they didn't work out. She got upset because she thinks I can't forgive her for it, but that's not the case. I understand how hard it is, not to cut, to burn, to die. I know. So I don't blame her, or hate her, or think of her in any which way lower or any less respect . I respect her a lot for trying, and I think even that holds a lot more water then just saying "I'll break it anyway, no need to make a promise". Its more of just me. I might not have had the best relationships but all of them have been with someone who is just as much, or more so of a mess then i am. I've dealt with people being so low they even try to hold their breath in class hoping they'd pass out and die. (I've done that but hey) . I know how hard it can be, but something that really hurts I guess. is..I've never been in a relationship with a lot of trust involved. Promises are always broken and I always give them another chance. Another chance. I don't have the heart to be a bitch and go "times up, curtains fall, you're done. no more chances. game over." Sometimes I wish i had the gut to do that .
I've sat in the room with my bf before, sitting on his bed next to him, as he held a gun crying. But when I tried to slit my wrists he said he was busy . That's what I'm used to . And in a way it sucks, because that's how everyone is. They don't know what to do when it comes to me, but somehow it's expected or wanted when i have to be there for them. And I'm not there one time suddenly I'm the bad guy.
It really hurts .
I can talk to my girl and whatnot and I can tell it doesn't matter what I say . What I do . It doesn't mean anything to her, she can't change it so why try right ?
I know she denies that, and she says she's bad at words but. That doesn't say much . I'm just being a bitch I guess. I expect too much .
I was in an accident too, tried to be cool and funny about it. Hurt like a motherfucker.
My mom and dad tried to call the police and report it, I had to legit beg them not to . I even stole my mom's phone so she wouldn't. It was mostly my fault for getting too close, no need to sue a construction worker for that.
So im covered in bruises and scrapes. I can't sleep on my left side because my entire left thigh is one giant dark purple bruise and swollen .
My ribs are doing ok, better then before .
My eyesight has a new update too. They've gotten better. The doctor said it was the strangest thing, i can actually see blobs now xDD not just melted color. So that's a good thing, altho they still say i'll be blind before I'm 21. yay .
I'm having a hard time with one of my friends right now . He's stood me up so many times I don't even trust him anymore. If he says he'll be there I won't even go . And the next day get a message "sorry I wasn't able to make it" yup.
I told him I'd be gone for the next 3 ish weeks, which is code for "I'm cutting you off".
He still hasn't figured that out yet.
I keep thinking about people I've lost . Especially my brother. I have never met anyone who buried a sibling . And I have never met anyone who knows what its like to even remotely lose a sibling at all . I miss him . And all the people I knew who commit suicide and just died . I shouldn't complain . Sorry .
I talked to Nate again . Probably won't talk to him ever again . yay . I asked if he was happy, trying to cut him off and he went on his life story again. I don't mind. I just wanted to know if he was happy, and if he even remotely said yes I was going to delete him from my contacts and forget him forever .
That sounds harsh . But hey . I've only suffered 3 ish years over him. He doesn't give a fuck, yea he called himself an asshole and cries and gets upset about all his friends killing themselves and leaving him . Gee . I wonder why . Until he finally lets himself grieve and get over the deaths and express all that bottled up emotion he is going to be , as he put it , a ticking bomb. Its his choice, and he put himself there . I have lost all sympathy for him . And respect . I don't really care, because he never gave two fucks towards me anyway . So why should I put myself through more blood, sweat, and tears over him ?
yeup .
I was told my a couple french ladies at work to "wear gloves" so my "Gypsy filth" didn't touch their food . Fuck you .
I have been so shunned and thrown down on the pavement for my race and how ??? I look fucking white Dx How the hell do people know ? is it my eyes ? my hair ? I don't get it . I know I tan super easy and look like a legit Gypsy then, but I haven't been out in the sun too much, I work underground .
I dunno . Everything's been pissing me off recently .
...I wish I had someone to turn to . I hate the feeling of being in a white box. And I can't get out .
Brandon told me to never lie, that I'll get caught in my own web . And I did .
I lost someone I held / hold really dear to me . She has cut me off completely and I know she hates me . I shouldn't have been so stupid . I shouldn't have lied, and made her believe any of that . I really hurt her, and there's nothing I can do . Serves me right . But not her .
I've made a lot of mistakes .
I wish I could start over .
Do it again, and not retrace the same lines over and over again like figure skaters .
I don't even know who I am anymore .
I only wish someone understood that.
