now

I guess I'm late for another life update.

I think its been about a year, ish. I'm not sure..

I know no one reads this and honestly at this point in my life i can't stress how happy that makes me.

Hi. My name is Abby. I am 19, soon to be 20. I'm in college, studying to teach english as a foreign language. I just recently found out my heritage is massively from the middle east, and I am also a descendant of imported human slaves from Bohemia, Saudi, Turkey, Egypt, and Czech and god knows where else. Some call me Leo, which is a name I chose when I was young. I have struggled between being a girl and boy ever since I can remember. When I was 7 I thought I was a boy and thought you chose what gender you were. I grew up trying to wear boy clothes and kept my hair short. My parents and family accepted my Tomboy attitude but wanted me to be lady like. It's always been an internal struggle, I want to be a girl. Yet I feel I am a boy as well. I wanted to have surgery but was too scared to say anything since my parents were so religious and against it. More or less I was just scared.

I remember drawing women a lot as a kid. And it worried my mom. She told me not to draw women's chests and bodies naked, and not to look at revealing women when in public or even by myself. I didn't realize what it meant until I was older. I was 14 when I met someone online through an art site. Called deviantart. Her name was Ally, and she was a year older then me. I was still new to the internet, and when I made my account I kept it as vague as possible. She thought I was an asian boy, named Kevin. I completely lied to her. I lied about my name, my gender. I lied about my past, where I lived. Where I was from. We used to write notes back and forth through the site. Every night. I would sit and not do anything while waiting, refreshing the page every couple minutes to see if she wrote. For once someone out there, in that void of a world noticed me. And wanted to talk to me. It was a new feeling, and I loved it. I remember one night she said that if I lived closer to her she would have a crush on me. And that line stuck to me like glue. Ever since I would lay in bed after talking to her and imagine meeting her. I imagined kissing her, and being charming and imagining how she would fall in love with me. All the while in my head I was a boy. Never once did I imagine myself a girl while going through the scenes. I remember fighting with myself on multiple occasions about it, saying I wasn't a lesbian, I'm not gay. I'm straight. I'm normal.
That's how I was brought up you know.
I had to be straight.

I won't forget when her replies became shallow, and eventually they stopped. I cried in bed, and in the bathroom thinking I was a messed up person. She was the first person I had ever truly liked, and never admitted to it. I wanted her to like me. I had never been liked before.

I guess in my head, I became the boy who I always wanted to show up in my life. I wanted the cute, charming, loving, innocent boy. To come and make me his whole world. Something in my head said I should become that person, since I had never met anyone who matched the criteria.

Later, when I still knew Ally I met someone else on dA. Her name was Zoe. She used to like all my pictures and comment on everything. She was like a loyal follower haha. We talked in comments a lot, and at one point she kept making comments of liking someone. And I asked if she liked me.
She said yes.
My first instinct was to say I didn't like her back, because I wanted to stay honest with myself and her. I didn't want to lead someone on and lie. But she already thought I was a boy. And she liked me. She liked ME. I can't even remotely tell you how that made me feel. Someone admitted it. They admitted it. They liked me. Someone looked at me (well...the thought of someone else, but I was the creator of that person) and said they liked them. That, was just...amazing. And so I said I liked had back when really I didn't. I didn't sleep for a few nights after that. All I thought about was her. I had never seen her face, or heard her voice but I knew her username. And I knew she liked me. And that was enough to create an imagined version of her in my head and the scenes previously used with Ally merged into Zoe. Honestly the biggest scene was kissing them. At that point in my life I had never been kissed. And I wanted to know that feeling more then anything. I would hold my fingers to my lips and pretend it was someone else's lips. Only to blush and cover my face because it was embarrassing. And I hated the fact that I had never been kissed yet. It also hurt. Everyone I knew had dated, or at least kissed. And some even had sex already. I felt no one liked me enough to even look at me. I felt ugly. Like no one would ever want to get close to my face, and touch my lips. I had acne, and glasses, and braces at the time. I felt like the essence of repulsive.
But anyway, I daydreamed about Zoe...ALL the time. At school, when I got home, when I laid in bed. After a while things got out of hand. I started talking to her on Skype and we basically started sexting. A whole new ballpark for me. We didn't do "sex" but we would do narratives about making out and then stop when things got close to the "sex" part. I was too shy. Way too shy. Plus I didn't know what I was doing. At that point I was pretty sure I liked Zoe. I wasn't sure what kind of like. As a romance, or a friend. Or something torn up in-between. And I told her I loved her.

I wanted to love her. More then anything. I loved to say "I love you". Because I wanted someone to say it to me. I wanted to hear those three words whispered in my ear, and I wanted to feel their strength in my chest. I loved to say them because when I said them I felt as if they would love me back. And that's what I wanted.

I'm not sure how long into the relationship I was with Zoe when I met Dori. It was about a year I think. I would go through dA and find art that wasn't popular and like and comment. Maybe follow, just to give support to artists. And I came across a picture she had put up of herself. She was wearing a snapback hat and doing the peace sign I think. She talked about trying to be swag in the description. Honestly I thought she was really cute, and so I liked it and commented. I went to her account to follow her but saw she was really popular and had a lot of followers, and her art was amazing. In short, I felt like small. I'm not sure why. I felt weird for being a stranger commenting on her picture.
She actually responded to me. And that's when it started. I don't know why. But I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to be her friend, and I have no idea why. I almost felt compelled to talk to her. I had to. I wanted to. So whenever the conversation ended in the comments I started a new one.

I don't really remember when it happened but we got on Skype and talked. Every night. And I mean every night. I found I wanted to talk to her more then Zoe. And often did. I don't know what it was about her. She was so nice and easy to talk to. And she was so sweet. I would find myself smiling like an idiot when talking to her, and falling asleep happy. More happy then i had ever felt. Again, she thought I was a boy. And she thought my name was Leo.
I remember working on my graphic novel and crying, pulling all nighters and struggling with the stress and pressure. But she stayed awake most, or all the nights I was working. She supported me and I had never had that before. I had never experienced someone being so nice to me in all my life. Honestly she was my sun. I had never met anyone like her before, and it just stunned me. How come she existed. I remember one night Zoe asked me why I had become so distant and almost evasive. Not myself. I couldn't help it. It's not that I didn't want her around, I just didn't want to spend so much time with her. I wanted more time with Dori. She had sucked me in and all I wanted was to talk to her. I felt like the school days became unbearable until I got home and instantly logged into Skype. My parents yelled at me and grounded me for spending so much time online.

It was October 19th. I asked Dori if she liked me. And she said yes. I cried that night, I won't forget. I was so happy. But i was also scared. I literally had never felt that way before and it felt like someone tore me up and healed me all at once.
I told her I liked her too a day or so later, and we officially started dating.

Unfortunately Zoe got the butt end of that. I haven't felt more regret from that. It was christmas season, and she asked me about the pictures I had sent her. She said it wasn't me and asked who I was.
I remember crying in the bathroom at school, and work, thinking of what I should do.
I wanted to lie but knew I had to be honest. I had to be. I knew it was gonna hurt, and it was also gonna hurt her.

So I told her I was both. Because in truth, I felt I was. She was hurt and upset, and left.

I wish I could kick my past self in the ass. Because I didn't even feel sorry about it. I had Dori, and Dori was my everything. It didn't bother me that someone else had suffered from me.

Dori and I continued and it was kind of a struggle here and there. For the most part everything was great because I felt completely like a boy when with her. I started smuggling hormones and started taking them to become male. My body had already started to change. I wore wraps all the time and I kept my hair short. I practiced deepening my voice and working out. I stopped wearing makeup and girly clothes. I wanted to be a boy so bad for Dori. My idea was that by the time we met I would officially be a boy and she would never know I had female genes in me. It didn't work.

Months into becoming more and more of a boy and I randomly would see a girl and be jealous. I was also very jealous of Dori in a million aspects. She was extremely beautiful and even without makeup and dressing up. With her hair in a bun and her "messy-straight-out-of-bed" look she still looked flawless. I couldn't look that way if i had artists paint me every morning. I guess I was also jealous because she was a girl, and was very comfortable being a girl. It was like she didn't want to be anything but what she was. And I wanted that. I was jealous I couldn't look in the mirror and be happy. I wanted to take a million selfies and be cute. But I wanted to be a boy. And I wanted to be the boy who loved Dori. Sometimes I would cry in bed. Because I would think Leo was not me. That Leo ...this made up person, was the one Dori loved. And if she ever met me, she would hate me. I knew she would.

I was so scared. I felt torn up.

A friend commented on dA using my real name and I instantly wanted to cover it up, but Dori had already seen it. And she asked about it. Now that I think about it, every time she wanted to ask me something personal I did get upset.  But the honest mistake was...I wasn't upset with her. I was upset with myself. I wanted to be perfect. And my plan was failing. I was covering myself up because I was ashamed. I felt Dori had high standards and I knew I wasn't good enough. I wanted to be good enough.

I told her the same thing I told Zoe. Because I knew...i just knew...if she knew the truth she would hate me. And leave. And the thought of her leaving was unbearable.

I can't fully describe the whole 2 years I was with her. So many ups and downs. But she never gave up on me. And I pushed her away more and more but I didn't mean to. If anything was true, I loved her. And it was true love. More true then I had ever felt. And it was terrifying.

Eventually we met. For the first time. And I got cold feet. Kinda like people before their weddings.

I got my period the night before she was to come over. And i had never felt so female in all my life. I wanted to be a boy so bad. I tried tampons for the first time in my life because I wanted to cover it up. I hated my body more then I ever hated it that night. And I poured it out on Dori...and i had never felt so awful about it. She thought I was breaking up with her and that wasn't it at all.

When I was with her I had also never felt so shy. I was extremely self conscious of my body, and my voice. And I was so so so so shy. I was nervous to kiss her. I was nervous to touch her. I wanted more time with her, more time alone. It wasn't that I wasn't ready. It was just so strange to finally meet her. She was just as mesmerizing as her words.
And for the first time in my life I actually had my first real kiss. Like a real kiss. Not a forced, sheer sex kiss. Before that's all I had known, but with her it was different. It was real. I was too shy to just kiss her, and it happened in the night. When I could feel her close and to be honest my heart had never raced so much in all my life and I almost felt like crying I was so happy. We just got closer and closer until it happened. And I felt like time itself had stopped.

When she visited, the hardest part other then my own insecurities, but also I realized I couldn't tell anyone. Again. I realized I was a girl to the world around me and they would skin me alive if I came out. I had to be straight.
There were some nights before she came that I told myself I should end it with her. I knew whatever happened would be painful. But I loved her. I really did. I'm not ashamed to say that. She was the first to give me love, and the first to share in love with me. It was magical. And unreal.

I must've began acting different because she became distant. And I did stupid things to bring her back...like suggesting a friend marriage thing or whatever. I was so scared of losing her. And all my dumb attempts only pushed her away.
And one morning, she was gone.

She never told me why. She became someone who I hadn't loved tho. Either she was angry with me or hated me I didn't know.
But I found out she had been with someone else. And she left me for him.
She said she wanted to be friends, but she ignored me. And never spoke to me when I needed her.

I had never cried so much in all my life.
For the first time in my life. I felt a heart break.

It took some time, but I realized what had happened to me was karma. I had done the same thing to Zoe. When I was with her, I had met Dori and slowly pushed her away to be with Dori. Eventually I hurt her and became someone I wasn't. I was mean, and cruel. When Zoe had done nothing wrong. Zoe had either liked or loved me..and I tore her apart and felt nothing towards it. I was too busy embracing Dori to notice the soul I had crushed.
Dori had done the same to me. She found someone else and eventually knew she had to cut me off before making a bigger mistake. And so she did. But she didn't realize how much it hurt. She was too busy embracing him. I lived the karma that I had inflicted upon Zoe, and for that I was partly grateful. I talked to Zoe for the first time in a long long..time. And for once we were kinda just people. It didn't last long and we both split. But I can't be more thankful of her. For being there when I was falling apart. I'm just sad no one was there for her when I broke her.


So that's my story. There is more detail yes. But honestly that's it in a nutshell. I haven't told anyone online my true story, and it has broken me more then one time.

The other day I came out to a girl I barely knew. She befriended me within a few weeks into college and I felt comfortable enough to talk to her. I told her my story. And she didn't cry, blame, or judge me. She talked to me about it but gave no reaction for me being the bad guy or the good guy.

That's what gave me the strength to come out on here and say it.

I know no one will read this. But it's just the thought of it being on here.


I know I deserve what I got for lying and being a fraud. I'm ashamed.

I'll live with it for the rest of my life.
But the struggle is still there.

I stopped trying to become a boy when Dori left me.
I stopped my hormone intake and stopped wearing binds and I continued to grow my hair out. I began wearing girly clothes again and more makeup then I ever wore. I actually felt feminine.

And yes. I take selfies now.