now

I guess I'm late for another life update.

I think its been about a year, ish. I'm not sure..

I know no one reads this and honestly at this point in my life i can't stress how happy that makes me.

Hi. My name is Abby. I am 19, soon to be 20. I'm in college, studying to teach english as a foreign language. I just recently found out my heritage is massively from the middle east, and I am also a descendant of imported human slaves from Bohemia, Saudi, Turkey, Egypt, and Czech and god knows where else. Some call me Leo, which is a name I chose when I was young. I have struggled between being a girl and boy ever since I can remember. When I was 7 I thought I was a boy and thought you chose what gender you were. I grew up trying to wear boy clothes and kept my hair short. My parents and family accepted my Tomboy attitude but wanted me to be lady like. It's always been an internal struggle, I want to be a girl. Yet I feel I am a boy as well. I wanted to have surgery but was too scared to say anything since my parents were so religious and against it. More or less I was just scared.

I remember drawing women a lot as a kid. And it worried my mom. She told me not to draw women's chests and bodies naked, and not to look at revealing women when in public or even by myself. I didn't realize what it meant until I was older. I was 14 when I met someone online through an art site. Called deviantart. Her name was Ally, and she was a year older then me. I was still new to the internet, and when I made my account I kept it as vague as possible. She thought I was an asian boy, named Kevin. I completely lied to her. I lied about my name, my gender. I lied about my past, where I lived. Where I was from. We used to write notes back and forth through the site. Every night. I would sit and not do anything while waiting, refreshing the page every couple minutes to see if she wrote. For once someone out there, in that void of a world noticed me. And wanted to talk to me. It was a new feeling, and I loved it. I remember one night she said that if I lived closer to her she would have a crush on me. And that line stuck to me like glue. Ever since I would lay in bed after talking to her and imagine meeting her. I imagined kissing her, and being charming and imagining how she would fall in love with me. All the while in my head I was a boy. Never once did I imagine myself a girl while going through the scenes. I remember fighting with myself on multiple occasions about it, saying I wasn't a lesbian, I'm not gay. I'm straight. I'm normal.
That's how I was brought up you know.
I had to be straight.

I won't forget when her replies became shallow, and eventually they stopped. I cried in bed, and in the bathroom thinking I was a messed up person. She was the first person I had ever truly liked, and never admitted to it. I wanted her to like me. I had never been liked before.

I guess in my head, I became the boy who I always wanted to show up in my life. I wanted the cute, charming, loving, innocent boy. To come and make me his whole world. Something in my head said I should become that person, since I had never met anyone who matched the criteria.

Later, when I still knew Ally I met someone else on dA. Her name was Zoe. She used to like all my pictures and comment on everything. She was like a loyal follower haha. We talked in comments a lot, and at one point she kept making comments of liking someone. And I asked if she liked me.
She said yes.
My first instinct was to say I didn't like her back, because I wanted to stay honest with myself and her. I didn't want to lead someone on and lie. But she already thought I was a boy. And she liked me. She liked ME. I can't even remotely tell you how that made me feel. Someone admitted it. They admitted it. They liked me. Someone looked at me (well...the thought of someone else, but I was the creator of that person) and said they liked them. That, was just...amazing. And so I said I liked had back when really I didn't. I didn't sleep for a few nights after that. All I thought about was her. I had never seen her face, or heard her voice but I knew her username. And I knew she liked me. And that was enough to create an imagined version of her in my head and the scenes previously used with Ally merged into Zoe. Honestly the biggest scene was kissing them. At that point in my life I had never been kissed. And I wanted to know that feeling more then anything. I would hold my fingers to my lips and pretend it was someone else's lips. Only to blush and cover my face because it was embarrassing. And I hated the fact that I had never been kissed yet. It also hurt. Everyone I knew had dated, or at least kissed. And some even had sex already. I felt no one liked me enough to even look at me. I felt ugly. Like no one would ever want to get close to my face, and touch my lips. I had acne, and glasses, and braces at the time. I felt like the essence of repulsive.
But anyway, I daydreamed about Zoe...ALL the time. At school, when I got home, when I laid in bed. After a while things got out of hand. I started talking to her on Skype and we basically started sexting. A whole new ballpark for me. We didn't do "sex" but we would do narratives about making out and then stop when things got close to the "sex" part. I was too shy. Way too shy. Plus I didn't know what I was doing. At that point I was pretty sure I liked Zoe. I wasn't sure what kind of like. As a romance, or a friend. Or something torn up in-between. And I told her I loved her.

I wanted to love her. More then anything. I loved to say "I love you". Because I wanted someone to say it to me. I wanted to hear those three words whispered in my ear, and I wanted to feel their strength in my chest. I loved to say them because when I said them I felt as if they would love me back. And that's what I wanted.

I'm not sure how long into the relationship I was with Zoe when I met Dori. It was about a year I think. I would go through dA and find art that wasn't popular and like and comment. Maybe follow, just to give support to artists. And I came across a picture she had put up of herself. She was wearing a snapback hat and doing the peace sign I think. She talked about trying to be swag in the description. Honestly I thought she was really cute, and so I liked it and commented. I went to her account to follow her but saw she was really popular and had a lot of followers, and her art was amazing. In short, I felt like small. I'm not sure why. I felt weird for being a stranger commenting on her picture.
She actually responded to me. And that's when it started. I don't know why. But I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to be her friend, and I have no idea why. I almost felt compelled to talk to her. I had to. I wanted to. So whenever the conversation ended in the comments I started a new one.

I don't really remember when it happened but we got on Skype and talked. Every night. And I mean every night. I found I wanted to talk to her more then Zoe. And often did. I don't know what it was about her. She was so nice and easy to talk to. And she was so sweet. I would find myself smiling like an idiot when talking to her, and falling asleep happy. More happy then i had ever felt. Again, she thought I was a boy. And she thought my name was Leo.
I remember working on my graphic novel and crying, pulling all nighters and struggling with the stress and pressure. But she stayed awake most, or all the nights I was working. She supported me and I had never had that before. I had never experienced someone being so nice to me in all my life. Honestly she was my sun. I had never met anyone like her before, and it just stunned me. How come she existed. I remember one night Zoe asked me why I had become so distant and almost evasive. Not myself. I couldn't help it. It's not that I didn't want her around, I just didn't want to spend so much time with her. I wanted more time with Dori. She had sucked me in and all I wanted was to talk to her. I felt like the school days became unbearable until I got home and instantly logged into Skype. My parents yelled at me and grounded me for spending so much time online.

It was October 19th. I asked Dori if she liked me. And she said yes. I cried that night, I won't forget. I was so happy. But i was also scared. I literally had never felt that way before and it felt like someone tore me up and healed me all at once.
I told her I liked her too a day or so later, and we officially started dating.

Unfortunately Zoe got the butt end of that. I haven't felt more regret from that. It was christmas season, and she asked me about the pictures I had sent her. She said it wasn't me and asked who I was.
I remember crying in the bathroom at school, and work, thinking of what I should do.
I wanted to lie but knew I had to be honest. I had to be. I knew it was gonna hurt, and it was also gonna hurt her.

So I told her I was both. Because in truth, I felt I was. She was hurt and upset, and left.

I wish I could kick my past self in the ass. Because I didn't even feel sorry about it. I had Dori, and Dori was my everything. It didn't bother me that someone else had suffered from me.

Dori and I continued and it was kind of a struggle here and there. For the most part everything was great because I felt completely like a boy when with her. I started smuggling hormones and started taking them to become male. My body had already started to change. I wore wraps all the time and I kept my hair short. I practiced deepening my voice and working out. I stopped wearing makeup and girly clothes. I wanted to be a boy so bad for Dori. My idea was that by the time we met I would officially be a boy and she would never know I had female genes in me. It didn't work.

Months into becoming more and more of a boy and I randomly would see a girl and be jealous. I was also very jealous of Dori in a million aspects. She was extremely beautiful and even without makeup and dressing up. With her hair in a bun and her "messy-straight-out-of-bed" look she still looked flawless. I couldn't look that way if i had artists paint me every morning. I guess I was also jealous because she was a girl, and was very comfortable being a girl. It was like she didn't want to be anything but what she was. And I wanted that. I was jealous I couldn't look in the mirror and be happy. I wanted to take a million selfies and be cute. But I wanted to be a boy. And I wanted to be the boy who loved Dori. Sometimes I would cry in bed. Because I would think Leo was not me. That Leo ...this made up person, was the one Dori loved. And if she ever met me, she would hate me. I knew she would.

I was so scared. I felt torn up.

A friend commented on dA using my real name and I instantly wanted to cover it up, but Dori had already seen it. And she asked about it. Now that I think about it, every time she wanted to ask me something personal I did get upset.  But the honest mistake was...I wasn't upset with her. I was upset with myself. I wanted to be perfect. And my plan was failing. I was covering myself up because I was ashamed. I felt Dori had high standards and I knew I wasn't good enough. I wanted to be good enough.

I told her the same thing I told Zoe. Because I knew...i just knew...if she knew the truth she would hate me. And leave. And the thought of her leaving was unbearable.

I can't fully describe the whole 2 years I was with her. So many ups and downs. But she never gave up on me. And I pushed her away more and more but I didn't mean to. If anything was true, I loved her. And it was true love. More true then I had ever felt. And it was terrifying.

Eventually we met. For the first time. And I got cold feet. Kinda like people before their weddings.

I got my period the night before she was to come over. And i had never felt so female in all my life. I wanted to be a boy so bad. I tried tampons for the first time in my life because I wanted to cover it up. I hated my body more then I ever hated it that night. And I poured it out on Dori...and i had never felt so awful about it. She thought I was breaking up with her and that wasn't it at all.

When I was with her I had also never felt so shy. I was extremely self conscious of my body, and my voice. And I was so so so so shy. I was nervous to kiss her. I was nervous to touch her. I wanted more time with her, more time alone. It wasn't that I wasn't ready. It was just so strange to finally meet her. She was just as mesmerizing as her words.
And for the first time in my life I actually had my first real kiss. Like a real kiss. Not a forced, sheer sex kiss. Before that's all I had known, but with her it was different. It was real. I was too shy to just kiss her, and it happened in the night. When I could feel her close and to be honest my heart had never raced so much in all my life and I almost felt like crying I was so happy. We just got closer and closer until it happened. And I felt like time itself had stopped.

When she visited, the hardest part other then my own insecurities, but also I realized I couldn't tell anyone. Again. I realized I was a girl to the world around me and they would skin me alive if I came out. I had to be straight.
There were some nights before she came that I told myself I should end it with her. I knew whatever happened would be painful. But I loved her. I really did. I'm not ashamed to say that. She was the first to give me love, and the first to share in love with me. It was magical. And unreal.

I must've began acting different because she became distant. And I did stupid things to bring her back...like suggesting a friend marriage thing or whatever. I was so scared of losing her. And all my dumb attempts only pushed her away.
And one morning, she was gone.

She never told me why. She became someone who I hadn't loved tho. Either she was angry with me or hated me I didn't know.
But I found out she had been with someone else. And she left me for him.
She said she wanted to be friends, but she ignored me. And never spoke to me when I needed her.

I had never cried so much in all my life.
For the first time in my life. I felt a heart break.

It took some time, but I realized what had happened to me was karma. I had done the same thing to Zoe. When I was with her, I had met Dori and slowly pushed her away to be with Dori. Eventually I hurt her and became someone I wasn't. I was mean, and cruel. When Zoe had done nothing wrong. Zoe had either liked or loved me..and I tore her apart and felt nothing towards it. I was too busy embracing Dori to notice the soul I had crushed.
Dori had done the same to me. She found someone else and eventually knew she had to cut me off before making a bigger mistake. And so she did. But she didn't realize how much it hurt. She was too busy embracing him. I lived the karma that I had inflicted upon Zoe, and for that I was partly grateful. I talked to Zoe for the first time in a long long..time. And for once we were kinda just people. It didn't last long and we both split. But I can't be more thankful of her. For being there when I was falling apart. I'm just sad no one was there for her when I broke her.


So that's my story. There is more detail yes. But honestly that's it in a nutshell. I haven't told anyone online my true story, and it has broken me more then one time.

The other day I came out to a girl I barely knew. She befriended me within a few weeks into college and I felt comfortable enough to talk to her. I told her my story. And she didn't cry, blame, or judge me. She talked to me about it but gave no reaction for me being the bad guy or the good guy.

That's what gave me the strength to come out on here and say it.

I know no one will read this. But it's just the thought of it being on here.


I know I deserve what I got for lying and being a fraud. I'm ashamed.

I'll live with it for the rest of my life.
But the struggle is still there.

I stopped trying to become a boy when Dori left me.
I stopped my hormone intake and stopped wearing binds and I continued to grow my hair out. I began wearing girly clothes again and more makeup then I ever wore. I actually felt feminine.

And yes. I take selfies now.

Life Update

well , currently...

I am dating someone . Someone i would never in a million years imagine myself with, but somehow the stars alined ya know and ..poof.

I am working at a bakery - and also the greenhouse. Kohl's is on hold for now.

My ex keeps contacting me / showing up . Well....i guess i shouldn't call him my ex, since the amount of time we spent dating was....so short lived you could call it a trial run of a relationship.
But nonetheless

he wants to have a "party" with me, Ben, and him . And im so scared . I know what his parties consist of . Alcohol and getting baked. And whatever happens after that is on some stupid camera they have. And they watch it the next day and think its hilarious.

I knew Ben and him for a long time. I knew Ben before he even knew what drugs were. It's really heart breaking to see him throw away his life like this. He had a lot of potential and talent.
My ex has always been addicted, long before i even met him. But the fact of him dragging some innocent kid down (and even me for a bit) and destroying their future along with his own is pretty pitiful .


Um. apparently I have to be "happy" all the time. I shouldn't complain. But i am. My sister was in an accident, and no on gave a fuck. which really hurt. They all said the same thing "I'm sorry to hear that" and moved on as if it never happened.

People are so stupid and have no hearts.

I guess what really pissed me off was the fact of my girl right now hasn't been exactly stable. And she doesn't know how to react or say or anything in any sort of situation really. Which is fine to some extent but...
damn . it really sucks having to always be there for someone who you can't depend on for anything.

I know that sounds harsh, and i don't mean it to. But the last like 3 months have consisted of me hanging by my fingernails and her just sitting there saying she's sorry. I can't say how i really feel or vent or rant because she "doesn't like swearing" or "doesn't cope well with yelling" . I understand, she's sensitive to that, and that's fine. I know i have my dad's genes and when I lose my temper I become something really awful. I say a lot of things I shouldn't and even hit. I know. It's wrong . I'm the bad guy . Shun me . I get it .

I can't help it tho. My hearts' all twisted up and i feel like crying every couple minutes. But the littlest thing sets me off and I get so mad. I shouldn't get mad at her, I know that's stupid. Out of anybody she deserves the opposite treatment. I guess it's because she's the closest person to me right now that I feel like I should come to her with anything. And have it be ok.

I keep forgetting all the things i can't come to her with.

I feel like I'm losing her all at the same time. Like, she's bored of me. She probably is. I'm a perpetual  mess.
I almost wish I had met her like a year or so from now. I met her right after I got out of that massive depression pit I was in for over a year. She still doesn't know I tried to kill myself not even a month before I met her . I've even really thought about it while knowing her, just feel like I shouldn't say anything . I've had bad nights, but she doesn't know I planned it out even at one point. For a few weeks I was planning it.

I've tried things, to get closer to her. But she has this huge wall . And I can't get her to break it down for me. She won't let me in, even though she says she already has. She'll get defensive and put up her shield and I can only stand there.

I've tried things . Like I made a promise with her, a few actually . And they didn't work out. She got upset because she thinks I can't forgive her for it, but that's not the case. I understand how hard it is, not to cut, to burn, to die. I know. So I don't blame her, or hate her, or think of her in any which way lower or any less respect . I respect her a lot for trying, and I think even that holds a lot more water then just saying "I'll break it anyway, no need to make a promise". Its more of just me. I might not have had the best relationships but all of them have been with someone who is just as much, or more so of a mess then i am. I've dealt with people being so low they even try to hold their breath in class hoping they'd pass out and die. (I've done that but hey) . I know how hard it can be, but something that really hurts I guess. is..I've never been in a relationship with a lot of trust involved. Promises are always broken and I always give them another chance. Another chance. I don't have the heart to be a bitch and go "times up, curtains fall, you're done. no more chances. game over." Sometimes I wish i had the gut to do that .

I've sat in the room with my bf before, sitting on his bed next to him, as he held a gun crying. But when I tried to slit my wrists he said he was busy . That's what I'm used to . And in a way it sucks, because that's how everyone is. They don't know what to do when it comes to me, but somehow it's expected or wanted when i have to be there for them. And I'm not there one time suddenly I'm the bad guy.

It really hurts .

I can talk to my girl and whatnot and I can tell it doesn't matter what I say . What I do . It doesn't mean anything to her, she can't change it so why try right ?
I know she denies that, and she says she's bad at words but. That doesn't say much .  I'm just being a bitch I guess. I expect too much .

I was in an accident too, tried to be cool and funny about it. Hurt like a motherfucker.
My mom and dad tried to call the police and report it, I had to legit beg them not to . I even stole my mom's phone so she wouldn't. It was mostly my fault for getting too close, no need to sue a construction worker for that.

So im covered in bruises and scrapes. I can't sleep on my left side because my entire left thigh is one giant dark purple bruise and swollen .

My ribs are doing ok, better then before .

My eyesight has a new update too. They've gotten better. The doctor said it was the strangest thing, i can actually see blobs now xDD not just melted color. So that's a good thing, altho they still say i'll be blind before I'm 21. yay .

I'm having a hard time with one of my friends right now . He's stood me up so many times I don't even trust him anymore. If he says he'll be there I won't even go . And the next day get a message "sorry I wasn't able to make it" yup.

I told him I'd be gone for the next 3 ish weeks, which is code for "I'm cutting you off".

He still hasn't figured that out yet.


I keep thinking about people I've lost . Especially my brother. I have never met anyone who buried a sibling . And I have never met anyone who knows what its like to even remotely lose a sibling at all . I miss him . And all the people I knew who commit suicide and just died . I shouldn't complain . Sorry .


I talked to Nate again . Probably won't talk to him ever again . yay . I asked if he was happy, trying to cut him off and he went on his life story again. I don't mind. I just wanted to know if he was happy, and if he even remotely said yes I was going to delete him from my contacts and forget him forever .

That sounds harsh . But hey . I've only suffered 3 ish years over him. He doesn't give a fuck, yea he called himself an asshole and cries and gets upset about all his friends killing themselves and leaving him . Gee . I wonder why . Until he finally lets himself grieve and get over the deaths and express all that bottled up emotion he is going to be , as he put it , a ticking bomb. Its his choice, and he put himself there . I have lost all sympathy for him . And respect . I don't really care, because he never gave two fucks towards me anyway . So why should I put myself through more blood, sweat, and tears over him ?




yeup .

I was told my a couple french ladies at work to "wear gloves" so my "Gypsy filth" didn't touch their food . Fuck you .

I have been so shunned and thrown down on the pavement for my race and how ??? I look fucking white Dx How the hell do people know ? is it my eyes ? my hair ? I don't get it . I know I tan super easy and look like a legit Gypsy then, but I haven't been out in the sun too much, I work underground .

I dunno . Everything's been pissing me off recently .



...I wish I had someone to turn to . I hate the feeling of being in a white box. And I can't get out .


Brandon told me to never lie, that I'll get caught in my own web . And I did .

I lost someone I held / hold really dear to me . She has cut me off completely and I know she hates me . I shouldn't have been so stupid . I shouldn't have lied, and made her believe any of that . I really hurt her, and there's nothing I can do . Serves me right . But not her .


I've made a lot of mistakes .

I wish I could start over .

Do it again, and not retrace the same lines over and over again like figure skaters .

I don't even know who I am anymore .



I only wish someone understood that.

...

hi
i know you're not reading this

i know you're busy

and it's ok

im selfish

i know

and i also can't you get out of my heart

today i saw a picture of yours on a site...

i didn't recognize it at first

but then i knew who's it was, or who had used it /:

and i typed your name in my email box and all those messages you sent me on facebook popped up

i cried in my study hall reading them...

it's been almost two years huh ?

and i am still in the same spot i was two years ago

.......im hopeless .

you probably don't even think about me do you ?

do you even remember me ?

 i know i got angry at you before, and said i hope you never remember me but...

im sorry

if that's even worth saying .

if it even means anything to you .

yup

yup.

can't sleep

hi again .

ummm.... I don't really know where to start /:

I'm like super tired for one xD i worked all day today and my head hurts from thinking. that's all i've been doing recently .... is thinking . 

and i hate it . 

i think waayyyy to much and waaaayyy too deep about EVERYTHINGGG... drives me nuts. 

you say something and i totally go in depth about it. 

kinda splits people apart from me , ..

ummm............ugh i don't know how to word this Dx

the other day someone found this blog (yea, you're probably reading this, and if you are then you might as well keep going and read the rest ) and it kinda bothered me more then it should have . 

as none of you know (because no one reads this) this is kinda my ultra rant area xD but also my pain reliever . 

I first made this blog when I was younger, and it was an assignment for two classes. if you notice all my first couple of blog entries are all answers to questions. and they eventually became more and more personal . Life was good if not great back then , no matter how i complained . I had the greatest friends in the world and I was a straight A student . My parents were happy (ish) and my school was happy ...everyone was happy . 

then that Thursday happened . 

and then everything fell apart soon afterward. 

I don't expect you to understand any of this...

That guy I was venting about and crying about earlier completely cut me off btw. Just the other day on FB he deleted his account and cut off all connections to me . 

He's gone . 

I know that doesn't matter , but sometimes to me it does . i'm a super attached person, and you out of all people should know that xD lol .

I still have letters from a boy i wrote when I was 11 . we wrote back and forth until his letters got fewer and fewer and he eventually stopped . It took me a long time to get over him, I hate to admit maybe even a few years. And still once in a blue moon I reread those letters and I can still feel that 11 yr old heartbreak I felt before . You know that phrase ? 'The rush of a thousand heartbreaks'? Yea, i could write a book on it xD 

...About two weeks ago my friend was drugged, raped and then killed . i can still see her face in my mind. her eyes wide open, the powder over her cheeks and the foam in her mouth. The rat bastard who did it to her wasn't caught, but what he did sure was. 

I have a lot of things that bother me , throughout the day , throughout the night...

I think about things .

Like that . Today when I was moving boxes a little girl came and asked where the bathroom was. she looked just like my friend.

It's so hard to say directions when your head is one mass of white . 

I got mad at someone I truly care about the other night . And I was stupid to yell at her , even if it didn't seem like i was . I thought I hurt her , so i just left . 

I wish I could take back what I said /:

I wish I could reach out and grab those words and eat them so they don't hit her ears . 

that's the only bad thing with words .

you can't take them back , especially written ones . you can say something and no one hears but if you write it , it's black and white evidence . 

it's 2013 . 

where did time go ... /:

Last night I couldn't sleep , who knows maybe it was the new bed or whatever i dunno ...

maybe it was too hot lol .

I'll be 18 soon /:

Gawd, I'll be a legal adult in the USA >< I'll be 19 back at home . 

one away from 20 . 

I sure don't feel it .

i still feel 14 , and kinda act like it too sometimes heh 

the other day someone who i've been friends with for a long time asked me out . i said no thinking nothing of it but i really hurt them. now they can't even look at me . I even walked and stood dead in front of them and they kept looking at the side of my head and not at my eyes . 

I'm such a bitch .

Half the time i think i should say yes just to actually give them a chance . Like screw it , i've never dated why not give it a shot right ? 

but i always think, i don't want to date someone I don't like ....

it's not that i don't 'like' them, it's that I don't 'liiiikkkee' them . 

but it doesn't matter . 

I ripped my finger open again LOL xD about 3 weeks ago I skinned the side of my pinky finger and needed stitches . yea i kinda reopened it today. bled like crazy again . and scratched my hand. I just keep tearing myself apart . and I'm sick again . wonderful . 

someone's flying up to meet me soon , i'm kinds nervous. i've only ever known them through online so i have no idea what to expect . they'll hate me i know it . especially now xDD i look like shiiit xDD

omg i need a haircut so bad xD i have to keep flipping my hair out of my eyes it's so long Dx 

and i haven't sleeping well , thanks to a certain 'somebody'/....so i look tired like alllll the time D: plus stress and working . 

OH, and I'm a failure . forgot to mention that . 

My dad's giving me a weird look, i guess i should wrap this up . 

 I dunno anymore . 

I really wish I could've been there for her . I would've stopped that guy and beat him so hard he'd flown to hell . i'd beat him till only blood and guts were left . 

i'm gonna miss her a lot... i suck. why wasn't i there ..

some friend i am, right ? 4 yrs of knowing someone down the drain . 

but it doesn't matter , right ? it's not like anyone else gives a shit right ?

Or that my cousins in Thailand's a prostitute huh ? course not . what's it to you anyway? oh that's right . getting good grades . one day reality will hit you in the face, dad . and you'll see . 

you'll see the hell we live in . 

and you won't have me to grab a hold of . too bad so sad. once i'm gone im gone. you can't call me no more, i ain't never looking back .

fuck you . 

fuck me .

fuck everyone and everything . 

it's a sick world we live in . 

the boys are only like , 13 . what the hell . 

ugh anyway . i can't talk about that right now ... i already threw up yesterday when i first heard .

makes me sick . 

i hope i can sleep tonight . 

Rest in Peace , Chloe <3

hi again ,

just wanted to say hi .

and my 3 months of hell is over ^^

i am ok now , honestly . 

thanks for being there .

<33

for a friend of mine ^^

i am sorry it is late, and i was unable to take it near the city , there is a lot of construction going on , and i am too busy to go there at this time, i hope this helps ^^