yup

yup.

can't sleep

hi again .

ummm.... I don't really know where to start /:

I'm like super tired for one xD i worked all day today and my head hurts from thinking. that's all i've been doing recently .... is thinking . 

and i hate it . 

i think waayyyy to much and waaaayyy too deep about EVERYTHINGGG... drives me nuts. 

you say something and i totally go in depth about it. 

kinda splits people apart from me , ..

ummm............ugh i don't know how to word this Dx

the other day someone found this blog (yea, you're probably reading this, and if you are then you might as well keep going and read the rest ) and it kinda bothered me more then it should have . 

as none of you know (because no one reads this) this is kinda my ultra rant area xD but also my pain reliever . 

I first made this blog when I was younger, and it was an assignment for two classes. if you notice all my first couple of blog entries are all answers to questions. and they eventually became more and more personal . Life was good if not great back then , no matter how i complained . I had the greatest friends in the world and I was a straight A student . My parents were happy (ish) and my school was happy ...everyone was happy . 

then that Thursday happened . 

and then everything fell apart soon afterward. 

I don't expect you to understand any of this...

That guy I was venting about and crying about earlier completely cut me off btw. Just the other day on FB he deleted his account and cut off all connections to me . 

He's gone . 

I know that doesn't matter , but sometimes to me it does . i'm a super attached person, and you out of all people should know that xD lol .

I still have letters from a boy i wrote when I was 11 . we wrote back and forth until his letters got fewer and fewer and he eventually stopped . It took me a long time to get over him, I hate to admit maybe even a few years. And still once in a blue moon I reread those letters and I can still feel that 11 yr old heartbreak I felt before . You know that phrase ? 'The rush of a thousand heartbreaks'? Yea, i could write a book on it xD 

...About two weeks ago my friend was drugged, raped and then killed . i can still see her face in my mind. her eyes wide open, the powder over her cheeks and the foam in her mouth. The rat bastard who did it to her wasn't caught, but what he did sure was. 

I have a lot of things that bother me , throughout the day , throughout the night...

I think about things .

Like that . Today when I was moving boxes a little girl came and asked where the bathroom was. she looked just like my friend.

It's so hard to say directions when your head is one mass of white . 

I got mad at someone I truly care about the other night . And I was stupid to yell at her , even if it didn't seem like i was . I thought I hurt her , so i just left . 

I wish I could take back what I said /:

I wish I could reach out and grab those words and eat them so they don't hit her ears . 

that's the only bad thing with words .

you can't take them back , especially written ones . you can say something and no one hears but if you write it , it's black and white evidence . 

it's 2013 . 

where did time go ... /:

Last night I couldn't sleep , who knows maybe it was the new bed or whatever i dunno ...

maybe it was too hot lol .

I'll be 18 soon /:

Gawd, I'll be a legal adult in the USA >< I'll be 19 back at home . 

one away from 20 . 

I sure don't feel it .

i still feel 14 , and kinda act like it too sometimes heh 

the other day someone who i've been friends with for a long time asked me out . i said no thinking nothing of it but i really hurt them. now they can't even look at me . I even walked and stood dead in front of them and they kept looking at the side of my head and not at my eyes . 

I'm such a bitch .

Half the time i think i should say yes just to actually give them a chance . Like screw it , i've never dated why not give it a shot right ? 

but i always think, i don't want to date someone I don't like ....

it's not that i don't 'like' them, it's that I don't 'liiiikkkee' them . 

but it doesn't matter . 

I ripped my finger open again LOL xD about 3 weeks ago I skinned the side of my pinky finger and needed stitches . yea i kinda reopened it today. bled like crazy again . and scratched my hand. I just keep tearing myself apart . and I'm sick again . wonderful . 

someone's flying up to meet me soon , i'm kinds nervous. i've only ever known them through online so i have no idea what to expect . they'll hate me i know it . especially now xDD i look like shiiit xDD

omg i need a haircut so bad xD i have to keep flipping my hair out of my eyes it's so long Dx 

and i haven't sleeping well , thanks to a certain 'somebody'/....so i look tired like alllll the time D: plus stress and working . 

OH, and I'm a failure . forgot to mention that . 

My dad's giving me a weird look, i guess i should wrap this up . 

 I dunno anymore . 

I really wish I could've been there for her . I would've stopped that guy and beat him so hard he'd flown to hell . i'd beat him till only blood and guts were left . 

i'm gonna miss her a lot... i suck. why wasn't i there ..

some friend i am, right ? 4 yrs of knowing someone down the drain . 

but it doesn't matter , right ? it's not like anyone else gives a shit right ?

Or that my cousins in Thailand's a prostitute huh ? course not . what's it to you anyway? oh that's right . getting good grades . one day reality will hit you in the face, dad . and you'll see . 

you'll see the hell we live in . 

and you won't have me to grab a hold of . too bad so sad. once i'm gone im gone. you can't call me no more, i ain't never looking back .

fuck you . 

fuck me .

fuck everyone and everything . 

it's a sick world we live in . 

the boys are only like , 13 . what the hell . 

ugh anyway . i can't talk about that right now ... i already threw up yesterday when i first heard .

makes me sick . 

i hope i can sleep tonight . 

Rest in Peace , Chloe <3

hi again ,

just wanted to say hi .

and my 3 months of hell is over ^^

i am ok now , honestly . 

thanks for being there .

<33

for a friend of mine ^^

i am sorry it is late, and i was unable to take it near the city , there is a lot of construction going on , and i am too busy to go there at this time, i hope this helps ^^

C H A O S

it was nice knowing all of you /:

i think this is it .

i feel so used it's not even funny,

i feel like he took everything, my whole life this past year or so , and for what ?

I'M the one who kept hanging on, I'M the one who frickin bawled their eyes out like some little girl almost every night, wondering if he'd stay or not. 

i hate myself for depending on him so much . 

he probably never even thought of me as a friend. something less then that most likely. just someone to write to, or talk to when things weren't looking so good (AKA the HOSPITAL ) and left me when things went back to normal. I went through more depression knowing HIM then ever in all my fucking life. 

I sent him a note (after not hearing from him in like.....6 months) and guess what he does ?

he VIEWS it , like he 'sees it', but NEVER REPLIES. i found that out, YESTERDAY. I sent the message almost 2 months ago.

WHAT. THE . FUCKING . HELL . 

does he like watching me fall apart ?

i almost starting crying at school i felt so low .

i feel like a desperate girl who will do anything to have a guy look at her and smile.

only difference was i was never romantic with this guy ,

but he meant a lot to me.

and it's nice to know that i meant nothing to him .

i wasn't worth his time.

i was nothing to him .

...

that's what hurts the most . 

again im writing when im like massively depressed ...

actually i forgot this blog existed....AGAIN ~ 

i haven't been using it for the reasons i was using it for before, so i kinda forgot my password, then it's full existence . 

i told my friend about HIM , and they confessed to me on the spot . 

gawd .

what do i do . 

i know i say people confess to me a lot, and yes it happens but...

it hurts every time. people show on TV that people shrug it off and whatnot...

no. 

you can't . 

it's hard, watching someone melt into your hands and basically say "here, have me . im all yours' and have to smile and try to be nice . 

you know you're tearing them apart .

im sorry i can't get HIM out of my head . i feel like it's just another sob story of mine , but it hurts like hell .

i thought he was someone who would never leave . 

he even said he wanted to know me for a long time. 

what does that mean now ?

nothing ?

where did that go ?

i wish i could say i hate him .

or that im mad .

but all in all ...

i blame myself .

and i can't tell anyone. 

i never told anyone i was writing to him, or even knew who he was . i never told them why i felt like dying those times where he'd disappear for about 3-4 months at a time and not tell me where or what he was doing, or if he was even alive . 

i kept it to myself , and by doing so, hurt myself .

i honestly thought he had killed himself .

truly .

when he never wrote back and he was never online, and never answered my calls i thought for sure . it had been so long , and he was almost nonexistent. 

i haven't cried so much in all my life .

i used to stay up at night and just think of him being alive, and try to tell myself that it wasn't true that he was dead .

then he sees my message and i felt like crying and laughing at the same time.

i was so happy he was alive...

but it hurt to know he had just been ignoring me all this time .

did he just....

not like me at all in any way ?

i used to think i meant something to him ...

like "yea im special, he can talk to me. and no one else ... he can turn to me whenever he needs to ~"

nope .

apparently i was a nobody and nothing but a waste of time .

i feel like living shit . 

i wish he knew how much time, sweat, tears, and blood i spent on him . 

i would go weeks without sleep thinking, praying, and hoping for him .

i used to cry about all the crap he went through and waiting for a response .

i spent all my time on the computer at all times to see if he was online to talk to him . 

i loved talking to him ..

but i felt like a pest after a while ..

his messages became shorter and he seemed less interested .

im the most boring person alive .

and stupid .

to think he'd ever EVER want to talk to me right ?

he probably only talked to me because i saw one of his pieces right ?

and it was ME ya know ~ the desperate one, who tried to make a big deal out of it .

i feel like i spent so much on him, yet he doesn't give a fuck .

yea .

I LIVE ACROSS THE FUCKING OCEAN , IT DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T EXIST .

don't write me off , im not dead .

and YOU AREN'T EITHER .

so stop acting as if you're too cool .

if you really hate me , or never wanted to talk to me, just send me like a one sentence message SAYING SO . 

you're leaving me in the dark and im so scared and hurt and upset and falling apart. 

i don't want you to ever feel pain again , but gawd .... you know how to make someone else feel like a corpse. 

i only wish you saw that .

i know i mean nothing to you .

i know you're not even reading this .

because you NEVER DO .

but let's just pretend you are though . 

truth is ...

i mis you like crazy , but in a way .... i hope you never write back .

that's awful but ..

i can't handle this . 

it's too much .

and i love you . i always meant to say that , but i was scared you'd see it as "that" kinda of love when really you just meant so much to me you have a special place in my heart .

and you'll never know that . 

i know i was selfish and complained to you when i shouldn't have 

but...

im still human 

and so are you .

i at least apologizing over and over 

while you ignore me .

i don't know why i bother with you .

i get so hurt by you ,

but the second you write to me i forget it all .

i hate it .

your using me even when you don't see it .

i feel like a puppet .

so i don't care if you never write back . as long as i know your alive im ok . 

don't write me again .

don't try to say hi 

don't ever show me any sort of affection because 

you're tearing me apart . 

i can't take it anymore . 

im done .

if you ever want to know me again , 

or talk to me , 

or every be in that ' friends for a long long time' relationship like you said ,

.... you should've never left and you shouldn't told me a long time ago .

im sorry . you missed your cue .

your done . 

curtains have fallen, your times up.

im not waiting anymore .

looks like you lost another 'friend' because you made the mistake of your life and lost someone who meant NOTHING to you but someone who would've give you their LIFE at any given moment .

im sorry you took me for granted when i was suffering so much just to keep you at least a little bit happy . 

and i even failed at that .

so i guess you'll miss nothing of me .

and im sorry to say that .

because i'll tell everyone i know about you know ...

and they'll know who you are . 

i hope your happy .

honestly, i really hope you are .

because you've broken the heart of someone who's just a shell of a human being . 

thanks to you im now more sick and depressed then ever . 

i hope you never ever remember me , because i meant so little to you . 

i hope you never speak my name .

or think of my face .

or what i used to say .

FORGET ME .

because it would kill me to know you still thought of me while ignoring me

and watching me burn .

i hope you are sooo....

so....

.........happy. 

hated

ok so,

it never fails.

i have this massive project.

im teaching my first english class.

other then learning english myself...
i have no clue WHERE TO START. @___@

so i was interviewing people...and oh yea i forgot...
no on gives a f*ck about what im doing.

thanks guys.

i really appreciate being left in the dark while studying my @ss off.
yup *nods* i really needed that

you do realize im flunking 2 courses and i need to get those marks up so i can skip school in April...

i can't afford to redo this year.

my parents will skin me alive and hang it on the wall.

omygawd....im losing my mind right now..

i have ANOTHER MASSIVE PAPER due tomorrow~ oh yay~

and YES i finally made my youtube channel....there's no videos on it yet but there will be eventually.

i have yet to actually upload something GOOD.

YOUTUBE~



well i feel like crap.

and it never fails...i ALWAYS think to write on here when im like really depressed. LOL

oh and to top it off, a friend of mine confessed to me

yea that made me feel awesome. im the biggest asshole that ever lived.
she said she liked me.
i didn't have the gut to tell her i don't like girls at first /:
but because she was super depressed and a total rock solid suicidal i didn't want to be mean and be like "oh really ? well too bad, cuz i don't like girls xD " so i was trying to be nice...

and now she thinks she's in love with me.

oh gawd.

i keep trying to nice and supportive in her LIVING not her LIKING me. and i can't do both.

so i told her today (easing into it) i don't like her that like. and she kinda broke into pieces right in front of me.

way to go Leo ~




im the worst ...

and guess who's in debt again? that's right,, this kid~

this state loves meh money don't it.

and Anni 's going back to Germany. i mean what the shiz?

^ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^
my new favorite song ever.


i love BigBang  <3

you guys make me so happy xD

oh and my appa said he hates my art pretty much.

i painted a picture and he said to "try harder" and im like "that's it...never gonna paint for you again~"

bleh.


i want time to stop already.


i need to breathe.

i'm gonna need a friend next week /:

i hate feeling isolated and rejected like this

new project

im starting something new.


this is gonna be huge.

i start interviews tomorrow....really nervous Dx

wish me luck guys...i'll polish this post off when it's done /:

coming back

ok i kinda feel bad that i sorta abandoned this blog ><

sorry guys...

not that any of you read this lol, your all from my school and you guys all forgot your passwords xP

ummm....so news....mmm......*thinks*
so mush lol.

my brain is mush

i have finals this week...and to be honest, im dying (_ô_O'_) i literally just printed off my paper and needed something to do while it printed. yea it was a pretty big paper. and i just wrote it. like...right now

im so tired DX *groans* i haven't slept in 3 solid days @____________@ after this friday me and my bed will have quite a bonding moment. like no lie...it might last a few days *nods*

mmm i think it's weird that i still blog. like i have almost 6 blogs, but on different sites O_o (doesn't help when you can't remember your passwords ^^') and i just finished watching videos from my freshman and sophomore year in HS. i was so different yet so much the same :?: and i started this blog then...so everytime i get on here i think of what i wanted to be at that time

i wanted to be popular i know that. oh lord you wouldn't have gotten me to admit it at the time hell no, but...i did. i was uber shy, and a lot more quiet. and i had longer hair. and it was like light blonde brown. i had a crush on someone, and right now that person is a total ass hole and i never talk to them anymore, like i completely avoid them. they hang out with some whore of a girl who sucks at everything. i take that back..she's ok. i just never liked her and she hated me.

yay ranting~

i had just made my deviantart account and i thought if i uploaded art people would flock to me, so i worked really hard at my comics and whatnot...that died. just a year ago i deleted everything on my account and started over. i don't really care about watchers or anything. just like here. i would rather...you guys (people i know personally) read this. cuz i miss so many people...

OH and that's something else
my best friend transferred. im not really emotional but i freakin cried. like....CRIED in the hallways. after she left i felt empty and shy and alone again just like when i first transferred into my new school and didn't know anyone.

a girl told me "It's hard NOT to like you" it made my day ^^ and i told my friend Chris that no one likes me and avoids me even my friends (it's true....they think im "changing" i may be...but so what?) and she was like "Dude.....you walk into school and everyone screams you name" i guess i succeeded in my freshman dream?
but how come im not happy at all with it like i thought i would be? i feel like i have no friends...everyone wants to walk with you just to walk with you. you can't tell them your secrets or anything...

i found my old idol Kevin.
dude.
he's prettier then a girl.

:jawdrop:

i remember my first post on here!!! it was like introducing myself i think...and i was obsessed with ExtremeDays....omg my fave movie still ^^

you know Emma? she just had a baby. A BABY. THIS IS EMMA WE'RE TALKING ABOUT. FIRST GIRL TO TALK TO ME, she said she was gonna wait till she was married and everything...holy shnikeys...yea, she's engaged and everything.

i miss people </3
like...seriously. every night i can't sleep cuz i just lay there and replay what had happened in my head

and before you know it my alarm goes off and i got no sleep.

my friend made me listen to this off her ipod on the bus....it's been stuck in my head ever since....

yea it's not my type at all. but anyway...
i wanna make a video, like...a LONG video, of no talking just goofing off ...who wants to make one with me? lol~

iz wearing black eye make-up. they call me emo now. all my friends are gay/bi/or transgender. 3 years ago if i saw myself like this i would kill myself. i was such a straight A perfect student. i guess life came through. i grew up

i wear skinny jeans, with neon and black colors. i spike my hair. i do my nails. i listen to anything but country.
i get depressed SOOO EASY NOW.....holy crap. i cry a lot now too. remember freshman year when i could withstand anything? nope not now.

someone says one thing to me i crumble. like i will sit at the foot of my locker and cry.
i threw up in the bathroom because i cried too much once. i dunno why....i was bawling and it just hit me so i ran in and puked.

you guys heard about the hospital incident...

i'm gonna need a friend next week /:
 it's weird...growing up with the same people...and now you get to watch the fall apart.
seeing them when they were young and you were all immature and now...
suddenly everythings real
and they crumble before you and you can't do anything

it hurts </3

did i turn out ok?

ohhh...my paper's printed.

ok, bye for now.