ummm.... I don't really know where to start /:
I'm like super tired for one xD i worked all day today and my head hurts from thinking. that's all i've been doing recently .... is thinking .
and i hate it .
i think waayyyy to much and waaaayyy too deep about EVERYTHINGGG... drives me nuts.
you say something and i totally go in depth about it.
kinda splits people apart from me , ..
ummm............ugh i don't know how to word this Dx
the other day someone found this blog (yea, you're probably reading this, and if you are then you might as well keep going and read the rest ) and it kinda bothered me more then it should have .
as none of you know (because no one reads this) this is kinda my ultra rant area xD but also my pain reliever .
I first made this blog when I was younger, and it was an assignment for two classes. if you notice all my first couple of blog entries are all answers to questions. and they eventually became more and more personal . Life was good if not great back then , no matter how i complained . I had the greatest friends in the world and I was a straight A student . My parents were happy (ish) and my school was happy ...everyone was happy .
then that Thursday happened .
and then everything fell apart soon afterward.
I don't expect you to understand any of this...
That guy I was venting about and crying about earlier completely cut me off btw. Just the other day on FB he deleted his account and cut off all connections to me .
He's gone .
I know that doesn't matter , but sometimes to me it does . i'm a super attached person, and you out of all people should know that xD lol .
I still have letters from a boy i wrote when I was 11 . we wrote back and forth until his letters got fewer and fewer and he eventually stopped . It took me a long time to get over him, I hate to admit maybe even a few years. And still once in a blue moon I reread those letters and I can still feel that 11 yr old heartbreak I felt before . You know that phrase ? 'The rush of a thousand heartbreaks'? Yea, i could write a book on it xD
...About two weeks ago my friend was drugged, raped and then killed . i can still see her face in my mind. her eyes wide open, the powder over her cheeks and the foam in her mouth. The rat bastard who did it to her wasn't caught, but what he did sure was.
I have a lot of things that bother me , throughout the day , throughout the night...
I think about things .
Like that . Today when I was moving boxes a little girl came and asked where the bathroom was. she looked just like my friend.
It's so hard to say directions when your head is one mass of white .
I got mad at someone I truly care about the other night . And I was stupid to yell at her , even if it didn't seem like i was . I thought I hurt her , so i just left .
I wish I could take back what I said /:
I wish I could reach out and grab those words and eat them so they don't hit her ears .
that's the only bad thing with words .
you can't take them back , especially written ones . you can say something and no one hears but if you write it , it's black and white evidence .
it's 2013 .
where did time go ... /:
Last night I couldn't sleep , who knows maybe it was the new bed or whatever i dunno ...
maybe it was too hot lol .
I'll be 18 soon /:
Gawd, I'll be a legal adult in the USA >< I'll be 19 back at home .
one away from 20 .
I sure don't feel it .
i still feel 14 , and kinda act like it too sometimes heh
the other day someone who i've been friends with for a long time asked me out . i said no thinking nothing of it but i really hurt them. now they can't even look at me . I even walked and stood dead in front of them and they kept looking at the side of my head and not at my eyes .
I'm such a bitch .
Half the time i think i should say yes just to actually give them a chance . Like screw it , i've never dated why not give it a shot right ?
but i always think, i don't want to date someone I don't like ....
it's not that i don't 'like' them, it's that I don't 'liiiikkkee' them .
but it doesn't matter .
I ripped my finger open again LOL xD about 3 weeks ago I skinned the side of my pinky finger and needed stitches . yea i kinda reopened it today. bled like crazy again . and scratched my hand. I just keep tearing myself apart . and I'm sick again . wonderful .
someone's flying up to meet me soon , i'm kinds nervous. i've only ever known them through online so i have no idea what to expect . they'll hate me i know it . especially now xDD i look like shiiit xDD
omg i need a haircut so bad xD i have to keep flipping my hair out of my eyes it's so long Dx
and i haven't sleeping well , thanks to a certain 'somebody'/....so i look tired like alllll the time D: plus stress and working .
OH, and I'm a failure . forgot to mention that .
My dad's giving me a weird look, i guess i should wrap this up .
I dunno anymore .
I really wish I could've been there for her . I would've stopped that guy and beat him so hard he'd flown to hell . i'd beat him till only blood and guts were left .
i'm gonna miss her a lot... i suck. why wasn't i there ..
some friend i am, right ? 4 yrs of knowing someone down the drain .
but it doesn't matter , right ? it's not like anyone else gives a shit right ?
Or that my cousins in Thailand's a prostitute huh ? course not . what's it to you anyway? oh that's right . getting good grades . one day reality will hit you in the face, dad . and you'll see .
you'll see the hell we live in .
and you won't have me to grab a hold of . too bad so sad. once i'm gone im gone. you can't call me no more, i ain't never looking back .
fuck you .
fuck me .
fuck everyone and everything .
it's a sick world we live in .
the boys are only like , 13 . what the hell .
ugh anyway . i can't talk about that right now ... i already threw up yesterday when i first heard .
makes me sick .
i hope i can sleep tonight .
Rest in Peace , Chloe <3
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